I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
