Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
