You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
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A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
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Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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