If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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