my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She tied me up with her honor cords...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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