I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize