quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
