So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
that's an acceptable place to lick
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
