I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
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She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
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You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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