My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
