this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
