I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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