If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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