Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
