Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
