I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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