I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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