george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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