It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
