I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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