just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
