My girlfriend figured out who you are.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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