i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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