i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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