I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Randomize
