yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
