I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
