tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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