God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
