Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Michael Bay diarrhea
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
