i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
