You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
