All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
