im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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