You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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