I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
