are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
