I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
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