I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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