i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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