I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
