Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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