oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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