The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
