I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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