I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
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oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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