u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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