I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
