I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
