No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
