He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
