i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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