cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
