just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
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You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
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jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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