Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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